An idea I sometimes subscribe to

Sooner or later they’re gonna get to know who you are, and I say life is short, so why not make it sooner?

The Backrubber

Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer (DGSD)

Lusty but indirect. Kind, but also using friendship as a means to sex. Oh, that feels gooood. You are The Backrubber.

We call you “The Backrubber” because you straddle that fine line between coming on to someone and just treating him nicely. Backrubs are just one example; you’d meet for coffee, or talk about books/movies, or even argue a little bit, all the while mostly preferring to screw.

Your indirect approach is not some evil trickery, but rather a result of your open mind. You’d enjoy either love or sex, but the latter definitely doesn’t require the former. While you are responsible and ambitious, you absolutely DON’T have uptight views on relationships. So ultimately, you just enjoy a man, and let things take their course. If he wants you, great. If not, that’s fine too.

Though you’re not thinking too much about Love at this point in your life, odds are, when the time comes, you’ll be very happy settling down. Your ideal mate is gentle and horny, just like you.

I like this.

Dumbass

It’s been way too long since I’ve sat down and written an actual blog entry about my life (the entry before this one does not count). I abandoned my previous blog, because, well, I outgrew it. For two years I ranted wrote about things that were happening in my life, and it’s really fucking weird to read all of it now. Aside from being reminded of all the embarrassing quirks I swore I would rid myself of but never did, I went through some shitty ass times. The entry about Jason’s death brought me right back to that night when I got the phone call from Carina: “Hey…Lee… I think…Jason’s…dead.” What? We were making plans to hang out barely two weeks ago! Events like that are supposed to teach us that life is valuable, and that we should appreciate all the good people and things we are fortunate to have in our lives… and I suppose it does. But for a lot of people, me included, that lesson is always reactionary, and though I’m afraid to admit, temporary. Maybe we are all just ungrateful bastards.

Ok that’s not a maybe for me – I know I’m an ungrateful bastard. If you’ve hung out with me at all these last few weeks then you’ve probably had to endure my endless complaints about how much work sucks. I apologize for this….really, especially to those people who are struggling to even find a job. I know I have it good. On paper, it sounds like my dream job – graphic design, writing, marketing, social media, event planning – basically everything I’ve done in the past, except now I’m getting paid. But to be honest, I hate it. I absolutely.fucking.hate.it. There is no gratification to anything I do. Oh, I can increase our Twitter following by 100 people and design pretty event invitations? Whoopidee-fucking-doo. At least working at AIDS Walk let me live in the delusion that I’m helping with some righteous cause. Now I wake up every morning dreading the day ahead. Some days I’m in a rush and forget to bring my iPod – and on those days I’m almost always guaranteed hell since the hour-long commute gives me way too much time to reflect and think. Is this it? We’re put on this earth just to work to our death? (Why yes, I’m a big fan of positive thinking.)

But of course not, you say, life is not that cruel: there is also love and family and friendships. Well let’s see: 1) love… is not on the horizon. Sex, yes. Love? Not at all. I can’t seem to establish a connection with anyone, even people I’m attracted to and share similar interests with. I have a theory on why this is: as a naturally shy person, I realize the need to be social in order to forge friendships and relationships, so I overcompensate by being overly outgoing and project onto others this image of me that’s not me at all. Uh…I just can’t establish a connection when I know I’m not being authentic. But the authentic me is someone who likes to stay in and watch movies and read books and discuss philosophy and plan for social change. The authentic me is someone who never wants to be in the center of attention. The authentic me hates talking when I’m in a group of more than four people. The authentic me is damn clueless. And apparently tired, so I’m going to wrap up this post. 2) family… has never been a big part of my life and continues to be that way. Only it’s getting worse because my mom won’t stop telling me how much of a failure I am. 3) friendships… my closest friends don’t live remotely close to me, and the new friends… well, that deserves a whole new post on its own, but to summarize briefly: the friendships I want to advance are not advancing. The friendships I thought were advancing ended up disappointing me because the other person either used me for my body or my car. But there are a few promising leads right now… and really, all I gotta do is not be such a dumbass.

How happy I am to be done with you

How happy I am to be done! My friend, what a thing is the heart of Man. So full of will and yet so vulnerable. To get away from you, from whom I was inseparable… and to be happy! I know that I will forgive you someday. But until then, it is not my fault that life has instilled in me such great fears. I was innocent. I am innocent. Was it my fault that, while I was taking pleasure and amusement in our acquaintance, a passion was growing in the poor heart? And yet, am I wholly innocent? Did I not encourage you to nurture my feelings? Did I not take delight in those utterly inappropriate advances of your nature which so often made me jump in joy, though they came with maddening red warning signs? Oh, what a creature is Man, that he may bewail himself. But I promise that I shall improve, and will not keep on chewing over some morsel of misfortune doled out by this world, as I always have done. To truly live is to enjoy the present moment, and let the past be – over and done with. How true it is that the pains people endure would be less if only they didn’t put so much imaginative energy into fondling the memory of past misfortunes.

Subconscious Cruelty

“Reality. It traps us in a monotonous, deadening cycle, engulfs our dreams and desire, with innumerable obstacles that are laced with cruel irony. We try to shadow these inescapable truths with such lies as cinema, use it as a shield of escape. A coating to shelter us from the ceaseless hardships thrown in our paths. Certain films can attempt to absorb our negative energy, in a hope that perhaps, they can keep our darkest emotions at bay. But unfortunately, flickering light can only pacify our demons for so long, and human reality will eventually rear its ugly head, far more horrific than any film can attempt to portray.”

Hello!

Starting a blog. For real this time.

Let’s kick off with a random idiom:

to keep a stiff upper lip – to be courageous in the face of trouble.

for example: It was admirable to see how the British managed to keep a stiff upper lip in spite of the German bombing.

I am beyond excited that Mad Men comes back tonight for its much-anticipated 4th season. I hear viewers will be treated to a whole lot of Joan “BAMF” Holloway aka the Epitome of the Female Beauty this season. Let’s hope my little birdie is right.

Chris Brown who?!?!