Dumbass

It’s been way too long since I’ve sat down and written an actual blog entry about my life (the entry before this one does not count). I abandoned my previous blog, because, well, I outgrew it. For two years I ranted wrote about things that were happening in my life, and it’s really fucking weird to read all of it now. Aside from being reminded of all the embarrassing quirks I swore I would rid myself of but never did, I went through some shitty ass times. The entry about Jason’s death brought me right back to that night when I got the phone call from Carina: “Hey…Lee… I think…Jason’s…dead.” What? We were making plans to hang out barely two weeks ago! Events like that are supposed to teach us that life is valuable, and that we should appreciate all the good people and things we are fortunate to have in our lives… and I suppose it does. But for a lot of people, me included, that lesson is always reactionary, and though I’m afraid to admit, temporary. Maybe we are all just ungrateful bastards.

Ok that’s not a maybe for me – I know I’m an ungrateful bastard. If you’ve hung out with me at all these last few weeks then you’ve probably had to endure my endless complaints about how much work sucks. I apologize for this….really, especially to those people who are struggling to even find a job. I know I have it good. On paper, it sounds like my dream job – graphic design, writing, marketing, social media, event planning – basically everything I’ve done in the past, except now I’m getting paid. But to be honest, I hate it. I absolutely.fucking.hate.it. There is no gratification to anything I do. Oh, I can increase our Twitter following by 100 people and design pretty event invitations? Whoopidee-fucking-doo. At least working at AIDS Walk let me live in the delusion that I’m helping with some righteous cause. Now I wake up every morning dreading the day ahead. Some days I’m in a rush and forget to bring my iPod – and on those days I’m almost always guaranteed hell since the hour-long commute gives me way too much time to reflect and think. Is this it? We’re put on this earth just to work to our death? (Why yes, I’m a big fan of positive thinking.)

But of course not, you say, life is not that cruel: there is also love and family and friendships. Well let’s see: 1) love… is not on the horizon. Sex, yes. Love? Not at all. I can’t seem to establish a connection with anyone, even people I’m attracted to and share similar interests with. I have a theory on why this is: as a naturally shy person, I realize the need to be social in order to forge friendships and relationships, so I overcompensate by being overly outgoing and project onto others this image of me that’s not me at all. Uh…I just can’t establish a connection when I know I’m not being authentic. But the authentic me is someone who likes to stay in and watch movies and read books and discuss philosophy and plan for social change. The authentic me is someone who never wants to be in the center of attention. The authentic me hates talking when I’m in a group of more than four people. The authentic me is damn clueless. And apparently tired, so I’m going to wrap up this post. 2) family… has never been a big part of my life and continues to be that way. Only it’s getting worse because my mom won’t stop telling me how much of a failure I am. 3) friendships… my closest friends don’t live remotely close to me, and the new friends… well, that deserves a whole new post on its own, but to summarize briefly: the friendships I want to advance are not advancing. The friendships I thought were advancing ended up disappointing me because the other person either used me for my body or my car. But there are a few promising leads right now… and really, all I gotta do is not be such a dumbass.